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UNDERWORLD: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. POORLY LIT CITY
KATE BECKINSALE is perched atop a huge tower, being very
GOTH.
KATE BECKINSALE (V.O.)
I am a vampire, one of many
involved in an underground war.
When not killing werewolves, I go to
raves that play industrial rock, buy
new trenchcoats, rip holes in my
mesh stockings, and post to my
livejournal.
She spots some WEREWOLVES who are following SCOTT SPEEDMAN,
and CHASES them into the subway.
INT. SUBWAY
A badly choreographed, horribly shot gunfight ensues.
RANDOM VAMPIRE
Shit! The camera is moving around
so suddenly and shakily I can't tell
what's going on!
He is shot with a GLOWING BLUE BULLET.
RANDOM VAMPIRE
Gark! Bury me with my collection of
Anne Rice novels!
(dies)
The gunfight continues, and it is very LOUD and therefore
GOOD. Just when it looks like it might end, it CONTINUES
instead. Eventually, it stops. KATE goes back to VAMPIRE
HEADQUARTERS.
INT. BIG GOTH MANSION
KATE BECKINSALE enters the mansion, pushing past a bunch of
VAMPIRES writing POETRY and practicing looking SULLEN. She
goes to THE WEAPON VAMPIRE GUY
KATE BECKINSALE
Random Vampire got shot with this
and it killed him.
WEAPON VAMPIRE GUY
(investigating)
Wow. It's daylight, compressed
into bullet form!
Before the AUDIENCE MEMBERS have time to leave, SHANE
BROLLY enters.
SHANE BROLLY
I am the lead vampire and I'm a son
of a bitch. I love you Kate
Beckinsale, but I also hate you.
KATE BECKINSALE
Sorry, I'm falling for Scott
Speedman, a human!
She leaves to find him.
INT. SCOTT SPEEDMAN'S APARTMENT
SCOTT SPEEDMAN enters and is ACCOSTED by KATE BECKINSALE.
KATE BECKINSALE
Why were those werewolves after
you?
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
Those what?
KATE BECKINSALE
You're caught in the middle of a
war that has been raging for
hundreds of years. The battle is
between vampires and werewolves, and
now the werewolves are after you as
part of their plan to rise up
against the vampires.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
(shocked)
Oh my god.
KATE BECKINSALE
Surprised?
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
No, I just can't believe you said
that with a straight face. I mean,
holy shit.
Suddenly, MICHAEL SHEEN enters.
MICHAEL SHEEN
I am a werewolf!
(bites Scott)
And now you are too!
There is a brief gunfight that goes nowhere. Eventually,
KATE and SCOTT escape.
INT. SECLUDED DOCTOR'S OFFICE OR SOMETHING
KATE handcuffs SCOTT to a chair.
KATE BECKINSALE
I'm sorry. You will turn into a
werewolf, so I am doing this for
your protection.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
Wait so, for my protection, you're
handcuffing me to a chair so that
the legion of werewolves coming
after me will easily be able to
capture me because I am unable to
run.
KATE BECKINSALE
Look, we've spent like an hour of
this movie just running around
trying to find people. I'll need
you again, let's not torture the
audience.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
I think it's too late for that.
KATE LEAVES.
INT. BIG GOTH MANSION
KATE revives BILL NIGHY, the head vampire. He looks
FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
KATE BECKINSALE
Oh my god, THIS is the special
effect for you as you get your power
back? This is awful.
BILL NIGHY
Kate, you have gone against the
chain of command in the vamp--
KATE BECKINSALE
Holy crap, have you seen yourself
talk? Are these scenes supposed to
be taken seriously?
BILL NIGHY
Get out! You're banished from the
mansion!
KATE RETURNS to the DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
KATE BECKINSALE
Scott, I've got to get you out of
here.
SCOTT is captured, so KATE will have to go searching for
him again. There is a GUNFIGHT and it SUCKS. Eventually,
everyone winds up in the sewers.
INT. SEWERS
MICHAEL SHEEN injects SCOTT SPEEDMAN with some crap.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
So, what the hell is going on it
here? That other werewolf tried to
explain it earlier, but his accent
was incomprehensible.
MICHAEL SHEEN
Shane Brolly, the lead vampire guy,
has been secretly working with me to
allow me to find you. Because of
some crap about descendants and
bloodlines, if you are bitten by
both vampire and werewolf, you
become a hybrid, which would allow
us to finally end this war. The war
started when Bill Nighly killed my
girlfriend, his daughter, for being
with me, because he doesn't want the
two species to mix.
KATE BECKINSALE arrives. Also, MICHAEL SHEEN is shot with
a bullet that kills werewolves.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
Kate! I know how the war started! I
finally read the script!
KATE BECKINSALE
There's a script? I thought this
whole movie was the product of
special effects guys and
cinematographers.
Suddenly, SHANE BROLLY arrives.
SHANE BROLLY
Hello, Scott. I have betrayed the
vampire order specifically so that
Michael could create the
werewolf/vampire hybrid, and now
that it has finally happened, I will
attempt to kill you, despite the
fact that such a thing is grossly
inconsistent with my actions thus
far.
He does.
MICHAEL SHEEN
(not dead)
Even though I was shot with a
bullet that always kills werewolves,
I am not dead for some reason.
Kate, if you bite Scott, it will
turn him into a cross between a
vampire, a werewolf, and a member of
the Blue Man Group.
(dies)
She does. SCOTT transforms into the ULTIMATE RIDICULOUS
CREATURE IN A RIDICULOUS MOVIE.
BILL NIGHY
You are an abomination! I will
destroy you using my Vampire Geezer
powers!
They FIGHT. BILL is about to win when suddenly, KATE
BECKINSALE picks up a sword and jumps to the other side of
the room, nowhere near BILL. When she lands, she is holding
a perfectly clean sword.
BILL NIGHY
Uh oh. I hope you didn't do what I
think you did. Let me just stand up
very straight so that I am in the
very center of the frame..
(half of his face slides
off)
Damn! I hate this shot! Why are
movies doing this all the time now?
This isn't how it works, people, ask
a doctor!
(dies)
KATE looks at her sword, which now has blood on it.
SCOTT SPEEDMAN
Hooray! Soon the war will be over,
leaving vampires and werewolves to
be friends forever more.
KATE BECKINSALE
Let's go buy long velvet
trenchcoats and listen to The
Smiths!
END
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