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Vash the stampede:
From Interstellar Dispatches, February 6th, 5001 (Holy Terra Calendar)

Download print version (Advisory: It is illegal to possess printed pages of these files in certain regions; consult local Church or noble law.)


NEWS

Town Crier Service Disrupted by Malicious Terrorists

BYZANTIUM SECUNDUS -- Port Authority -- Town Criers Guild interstellar services were disrupted through a misinformation campaign waged by mysterious individuals identified only as Mercurians. Mysterious agents of this terrorist cell impersonated guild couriers, delivering false reports to certain localities throughout the Known Worlds designed to humiliate respected officials. Rather than risk the interstellar dissemination of the Mercurians' twisted lies, Town Criers guild offices chose to temporarily shut down service until its ranks could be purged of false agents.

Rest assured, reader, that the pernicious plot has now been halted, and your trusted guild is once more in control of news coverage. Dean Predator Fitzthomas, head of the guild's interstellar operations, announced that the "reprobates have been chased off. If they show their ugly faces again, they'll be shot."

The Towns Criers Guild offers its sincere apologies for any personage harmed by accidental news leaks that occurred before the plot was uncovered. Correction notices have been placed in affected localities.


Church Relic a Hoax?

LEAGUEHEIM -- Kesparate -- Scravers Guild experts have offered evidence that the so-called holy relic announced recently by the Holy See of Urth is a hoax. Following this claim, the Church responded by releasing certain details of the highly guarded relic. It revealed that it is The Martyr's Sword, the starship that Saint Lextius once captained before leaving for the planet Dogen, whose jumpgate he then barred from the Known Worlds to protect it from corruption.

The badly damaged hull of the starship was recently uncovered on an undisclosed moon. The Church hopes the ship's think machines can provide clues to legendary Dogen's jumpcodes.

Recent examinations by the Scravers, however, hint that the ship is newer than originally thought, believed now to date to the Second Republic, later than Lextius' era. If true, then the ship is perhaps a replica and not the genuine holy ship. In this case, its value is less spiritual and more technological.

"We have scarcely had enough time to examine all the evidence presented," stated Archbishop Simeon of Leagueheim. "I find it irresponsible that the guild should make such allegations at this time when they themselves admit that dating techniques are inexact. The guilds should have more faith in the exhaustive research the Church brings to this project."

"Jumpkeys are the province of the Charioteers," said Charioteer Captain Julianne Farthing in response. "The Church must surely recognize old jumpcodes are highly prone to data drift, especially if not handled properly. Only experts should be allowed to access whatever data is on board that ship."

The Holy See of Urth has been surprisingly quiet on the matter, leaving the less-involved Archbishop Simeon to comment for it. It has not halted its investigation even though the League has formally protested its infringement on guild matters to the Emperor.


Incarnate Murder Plot Uncovered

RAMPART -- Avaneir -- A plot by Incarnate heretics to kill Archbishop Su Tung Li Halan was recently uncovered and halted by Yuan Men investigators. House Li Halan's intelligence service arrested all members of the conspiratorial cell, who claim to be members of a revolutionary group called the Sons of Iver, which seeks the religious freedom of Iver from Orthodoxy. The Church has interdicted the world for its people's heresy of Incarnatism. The Li Halan sentenced the conspirators, all natives of Pandemonium, to undergo spiritual correction before being executed. 

Monks of the Brother Battle order have petitioned Archbishop Marcion Li Halan, Metropolitan for the Li Halan worlds, to allow them to purge Pandemonium of the heresy before it takes further root and threatens more priests. So far, the Holy See has not responded.


SOCIETY

Dallying with Dahahalima

Oh, my dear dumplings, can you believe the vicious gossip those nasty little Mercurians spread under my name? Implying that priests and nobles were violating their marriage and celibacy vows, having wanton sex in courts across the Known Worlds! The idea! You know that your Auntie Dahahalima would never say such things. But speaking of courts across the Known Worlds, can you believe what Sir Juan Kerressa de Castile is being accused of? Such indiscretions -- and on at least five different worlds! I certainly wasn't there when he met Priestess Sondra Nightman of the Avestites six months ago, but I understand that she will be in seclusion for another three months.

Well, it's winter here on Byzantium Secundus, my pretty pepperonis. This is the time when the city comes alive with that most wonderful of colors -- gray. Yes, for a change your loving Dahahalima is being facetious. As you know, I live for colors. The brighter the rainbow, the more mesmerized I become. However, I must admit that I was not one of those caught up in the frenzy when Captain Garantie of the Charioteers guild arrived with his shipment of Star-Petal clothing. Even without your devoted Dahahalima involved, the excitement was a site to see. Nobles from across the planet had heard what a commotion these caused on Criticorum, and they turned out in droves when Garantie opened his stall at the Port Authority.

Oh, my tangy tangerines, his gowns and suits were wonders to behold. Made of specially grown flowers from Istakhr and the recently no-longer Lost World of Sargasso, these gorgeous garments shone like the grandest gardenias yet felt as soft as silk to the skin. What made them most desirable, however, was that the flowers still took in moisture. They could absorb a person's sweat before the stink had time to form. Instead of reeking like a brute farm, a wearer could smell like the Emperor's own gardens. And on a world as humid as Byzantium Secundus, that really means something. Well, that meant something until one week after Garantie left the planet. Then the reports began coming in. Rashes, lesions, external bleeding -- no, it wasn't an outbreak of stigmata. It's just that the flowers burrow into their wearers' flesh, trying to establish roots, if left on too long. A few people don't change their garb often enough. Well, after the Avestites tried to burn Bishop Archedes as a Symbiot, the Emperor ordered all the clothing burned. And I thought that he had a greater appreciation for fashion than that.

Speaking of fashion, my intrepid injera, all the better people of Artemis (what few there are) have taken to kettle fox hunting as the sport of the season. A number of Amaltheans immediately objected, claiming that the kettle fox was rare and that the sport was inhumane. And just because the best way to get a kettle fox out of its rocky burrow is with slender shockers! Well, these Amaltheans began showing up at kettle fox hunts, silently protesting the sport. When that had no effect, they began doing their best to disrupt the hunts and free the kettle foxes. The worst moment must have been when they filled an empty kettle fox burrow with water, so that when Dame Terena Burke Hakwood put her shocker in, it exploded. If that was not bad enough, Dame Terena's hair sculptor said it took ten sessions before he could repair the damage to her wig.

But we all love the thrill of the hunt, don't we, my cherished chickpeas? Of course, I do most of my hunting in our best bazaars and agoras, but even I sometimes miss the best goodies. Only two weeks ago, Director Mazburton Seminyel of the Reeves found a gorgeous holovid by that most blessed of artists, Herald Morb. We've all gazed with wonder at Morb's wonderful religious holovids of cathedral's throughout Decados space, but this one apparently came from Morb's earliest period -- before the Inquisition helped him find the Pancreator's light. I won't say much about this holovid, but if that many people could really contort themselves into that many positions, Sanctuary Aeon would be fixing backs from now until the Final Radiance!

Now I must bid all my cherished charpuddings good day. I've been invited to Jonin Jofor Brill's birthday party. While we won't be twisting ourselves into those lovely nude shapes of a Morb holovid, people will be twisting themselves into pretzels to give this Scraver the best birthday present. No one wants to be on his bad side -- because his bad side has five of the biggest kneebreakers standing by it (I'm kidding Jofor -- we all know that they are just there for our protection).

Kisses,
Lady Dahahalima


AGORA

The Town Crier's Guild takes no responsibility for Notices solicited in its reports. Dissatisfaction with product or services should be addressed to the merchant or manufacturer. If you can read these, then caveat emptor.

¥ Rare Wushang Swords

We have recently uncovered a cache of swords forged by the legendary swordsmith, Wushang I-ming, expert swordmaker to House Li Halan. Fine rapiers and katanas are among the weapons in the cache, in addition to knives and talismans. These rare and valuable swords are sure to instill envy at court and on the dueling fields. Remember, it was Wushang who forged the famed Jade Heaven Fist, wielded by Baron Chou Si Liu Li Halan in the Emperor Wars. Perhaps these other blades host powers of their own?

Contact Shu Family Weaponsellers, Escoral, Kish. We sell only to customers refined in noble arts; proof of heritage required. These items are one of a kind and can no longer be manufactured; please do not insult our salespeople with requests to haggle.

¥ Discipline for Sale

Having trouble with serfs? Is disrespect or sloth a part of your household? Now you can return order to your house by outfitting the noisome wretches with the Pantheon Largo Strangleweed Collar. In the past, such restraint devices were made from loathsome technologies. However, natural underwater plants recently discovered on Madoc now allow for a revolutionary new way to quell dissent.

The secret to the Pantheon Collar is the Largo Strangleweed, a rubbery, resilient plant that naturally entwines itself around a stationery object (in this case a recalcitrant neck), adhering its sticky fronds together, forming a lasting bond. When exposed to the chemical scent of the sei-me flower, the collar constricts, while exposure to the dwel-ma flower causes it to relax and release its prisoner.

The benefits of such negative therapy are immediately apparent. Under the threat of slow suffocation, the disrespectful learn respect and the slothful gain energy. Never again will you have to worry about the hardships of rebellion. Order a case today and you'll have an investment that lasts generations! Each kit includes special growth liquid and genuine Madoc brine.

(Disclaimer: Largo Strangleweed is to be grown in authorized Pantheon vats only. The introduction of Strangleweed into other waters may prove disastrous for local ecosystems and peasantry.)

Vash the stampede:
From Interstellar Dispatches, May 11, 5001 (Holy Terra Calendar)

Download print version. (Advisory: It is illegal to possess printed pages of these files in certain regions; consult local Church or noble law.)

NEWS

Unknown Plague Threatens Istakhr

ISTAKHR - Najran -- Lady Shiao Li Halan, companion to Amir al-Malik, ruler of Najran, recently issued an urgent call for interstellar medical aid. Amir himself was unavailable for comment, stirring concern that he has been stricken with the plague that currently inflicts his province.

Sources report that a virulent plague called the "Fools Cap" has broken out all over the province. Symptoms include a yellowish cast to the skin and a ring of pustulent lesions that crown the brow. Other symptoms include high fever, malaise and occasional seizures. Although the survival rate is high, victims suffer severe brain and liver damage, in addition to excesses of bile and other humours. Standard cures for fever and seizures are ineffective and may even prolong the illness.

The disease was originally feared to be of Symbiot origin, sparking the panicked evacuations of many fiefs. To quell fears, the Apothecaries Guild hurriedly issued a joint statement with the Supreme Order of Engineers stating that the strain was "artificially manufactured, within an 93% degree of certainty." It is unknown as to who created the disease or why, although evidence points toward an unearthed Second Republic biotoxin or a deliberately engineered weapon intended for use against Symbiots. Supporters of the latter theory suggest that the plague's virulence and formidable resistance to known medications is a key to overcoming Symbiot biology.

The political ramifications of this plague have been dramatic. A quarantine has been enforced by the Charioteers and military intervention is being considered to protect the profitable Samarkand market from infection. There also seems to be a loss of faith in the province, despite the frequent sermons of the local Orthodox clergy, as practitioners witness their afflicted loved ones being reduced to mere shells of their former selves.

At this time, any and all potential cures for this plague are being sought. Amaltheans from Artemis and Engineers from Leagueheim are expected to arrive any day now, with the hope that there will soon be an end to this crisis.


Strange Flashes Reported in Ghost City

ICON - Nueventina -- Monks of the Chou-Lu sect of hesychasts at the Stability Mountain monastery on the western shores of the Icon Sea recently reported increased supernatural activity in the region of the Twerrid Mountains. Immense spectral lights have lit up the sky for miles and unearthly screams have occasionally been heard as well. These phenomena are believed to be associated with a local myth: Ustirin the Unspeakable's Ghost City, a forbidden region formed centuries ago by antinomist deeds. According to legend, the city contains "dark doors" that lead to places linked to the Dark.

After the disappearance of several monks who attempted to investigate these phenomena, the abbot of Chou-Lu officially petitioned for aid from the court of Countess Melissa Shu Miao. Sources within the court say that the countess disbelieves the legends, attributing them to peasant nightmares, and assumes the trouble to be technological in nature. She has thus refused to officially involve the Church, and plans to send her own investigators. Anonymous sources claim, however, that she is seeking exorcists and other occult experts to join the investigation.


Human Vorox Cult Uncovered on Manitou

MANITOU - Shazan -- A band of Questing Knights recently discovered a bizarre cult of humans worshipping pagan Vorox spirits in the jungle regions of Manitou. According to the testimony of Sir Reginald Vladimus Hawkwood, this odd mix of freemen and excommunicated priests believe that the Vorox's homeworld of Ungavorax was created by dark entities known as the "Unbound Exiles." They hatched a plot to summon these entities with human sacrifices, using Vorox as the means by which to enact their dark rites.

Towards this end, the cult illegally smuggled feral Vorox from Malignatius and intentionally starved them in deep pits. They would then throw their captured sacrifices - usually serfs from nearby fiefs - into the pits, chanting as the hunger-mad Vorox tore the hapless victims to pieces and devoured their flesh. The priests claimed to be able to augur prophecy from the manner in which the Vorox wounded its prey.

Bazadadan, a Vorox cohort to the Questing Knight band that made the discovery, announced his disgust at the practice: "Vorox have never worshipped evil, and we have no legends about these so-called Unbound Exiles. It is a human fiction. What's more, even feral Vorox have more honor than to kill innocent life. Most of the cult's captives chose to starve to death rather than kill for these twisted humans."

A local Eskatonic priest, Philosophus Dwelman, claims that if one examines Manitou's strange bevy of cults deeply enough, one finds elements of Vau beliefs. "This cult's concept of the Unbound Exiles has no precedent in known Vorox culture. However, there is something similar spoken of in the 'Annals of Yestermorrows,' a local work compiled by renegade Vau - considered to be thought criminals in Vau  culture. In it, they claim much of Vau history was influenced by a desperate need to withstand the manipulations of beings called the Ungoverned, who seem to be different from the Anunnaki yet somehow related."

The Church, which has little sway on Manitou, nonetheless has announced that it will send Inquisitors to wipe out all remnants of the cult.


SOCIETY

Dallying with Dahahalima

Well, my dear dumplings, the great Santradro Elohem did indeed perform with Prince Hyram Decados' wonderful choir for Lux Splendor, and the event was everything for which we could possibly have hoped. Music lovers from across the Known Worlds arrived on Severus for the concert, and I don't believe that I have ever seen Hy's court so resplendent. Walking into the concert hall before Santradro performed El Shaddai Shekinah, the highlight of the holidays, was like walking into a beautiful jeweled cavern. Brilliance flashed everywhere, and the dignitaries in attendance included everyone from Lady Penelope Hawkwood to Duchess Elena Cinidias Victoriana Castenda de Sutek to Crafter Philius Mordela to Theafana al-Malik. Really, the only person missing from this wonderful event was Salandra Decados, but I understand she was busy on Pandemonium over the holidays.

Oh, did I say, "music lovers from across the Known Worlds," my tasty tostadas. Kurgan ambassador Ali ben Havizz attended the concert as a guest of Duchess Elena, only to have Elohem's singing entrance him even more than does the duchess. He immediately offered the great singer a chance to sing before the Caliph, an offer Elohem immediately accepted. While Prince Hyram offered him immense sums to stay, our favorite choralist ordered his entourage to begin packing his bags at once. Cardinal Gwen Dei, that most beloved of Amaltheans, called this an excellent chance to bring light and peace to the Caliphate -- but she was more than a bit in her cups at the time.

Oh, my beautiful baklavas, I know that Countess Tianta Oosla Li Halan wishes that she had more cups at her last party. The gala affair on Icon, held to commemorate her house's conversion to the Universal Church, featured some of the best entertainers in Li Halan space. They gave dramatic readings from the Omega Gospels, sang wonderful hymns and chants, and engaged in fantastic acts of derring-do. Fiery Phlogiston was one of the highlights of the night, spitting out balls of fire as large as the countess' own air yachts. His performance became even more interesting when Mother Aryana of the Avestites realized that the entertainer used no fuel for his act. Mother Aryana is a formidable woman even without her flamer, and her battle with Phlogiston (later determined to be one of the Changed -- brrrr!) left Countess Tianta's ballroom in ashes, and most of the guests with minor (and major) burns. Baroness Ginger Xanthippe lost her clothes in the blaze, as did the servant who said he rushed into the guest bedroom to save her.

Everyone has heard about the collapse of St. Defranco Cathedral on Gwynneth last month, haven't they, my simmering soufflés? Who could have missed the holovid that has been passed around of Cardinal Altus Reahkus looking up in disbelief as the roof and rain fell all about him? Well, at first people blamed the cardinal, since he designed the cathedral himself as the crowning achievement of his life as priest and architect. However, the good cardinal left the actual construction up to his underlings, including Canon Barcaphlax. A Church investigation (carried out by the cardinal's good friend, Father Devon of the Synecullum) found that assistants decided the job could be done for less than the cardinal had allotted. They brought in workers from nearby Bannockburn. You know the type of worker -- the ones who have no choice in where they go, and get resold when the job is done. Well, the cardinal has long led opposition to certain Muster activities, so this caused even greater consternation than it normally would have. Barcaphlax has disappeared, and the Muster denies ever having dealt with him, so the situation grows more and more interesting.

Speaking of interesting events, my charming croissants, did you see who attended the funeral for Chief Marharkura, a former member of the Li Halan Vorox Commandos, and the only Vorox initiated into the Reeves during the Emperor Wars? Humans from across the Known Worlds attended his last rites, including Li Halan nobles, several Brother Battle monks who he fought beside, leading Reeves (including Darrell Barrows), and even some of the nobles and guildmembers against whom Marharkura had handled debt collections. Most praised the giant Vorox, but at least one Charioteer at the funeral said he came to make sure Marharkura was really dead, and that his constant nightmares of a furred whirlwind might finally stop.

Well, my patient pitas, I have to begin a whirlwind of my own. Criticorum is just entering its most intense party period, and I have at least eleven events to attend tonight -- and at least one affair. But, that is my own affair. So maybe I'll tell you about it next time.
 
Kisses,
Lady Dahahalima


AGORA

The Town Crier's Guild takes no responsibility for Notices solicited in its reports. Dissatisfaction with product or services should be addressed to the merchant or manufacturer. If you can read these, then caveat emptor.

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