AUS RPG tips weekly - issue 3:
GUEST ARTICLE: THE GAMEMASTER'S HALL OF SHAME:
MONTY HAUL'S TOP TEN COUSINS
Written by Peter Maranci, Copyright 1999
mailto:pmaranci@sunspot.tiac.net
http://www.tiac.net/users/maranci/rq.htm10) Minnie Haul (Also known as That Cheap Bastard)
Quote: "Okay. After twenty-seven sessions you have finally
slain the Three Giant Dragons of Chaos. In the treasure
vault you find--12 copper pieces and a rusty fork. Who gets
the fork?"
Good Points: You'll never be over-encumbered.
Bad Points: Majority of characters killed by starvation,
plus risk of lockjaw from rusty fork.
9) Mr. Softee (Also known as Pathetic Guy & The Amazing
Mushman)
Quote: "You're down 3 hit points? Uh...suddenly the
troll falls over and spontaneously combusts! Magically, the
smoke heals you."
Good Points: Characters never die. Ever. No matter what.
Bad Points: Who cares?
Anger Man (Also known as The Master & It Wasn't Me)
Quote: "What? You don't bow to the King? Your limbs fall
off."
Good Points: Order and discipline.
Bad Points: Discipline und Order!
7) Das KillMeister (Also known as Dr. Death & Why Do I Keep
Playing?)
Quote: "Better roll up six characters each. That
should last the first session. Maybe. [chortle]."
Good Points: The thrill of danger
Bad Points: The boredom of constant defeat.
6) The Sexist Pig (Also known as The Sleazeball & L'il
Friskies)
Quote: "They rape you and you love it, like all
women. Ha ha ha! Now you're pregnant!"
Good Points: Not boring.
Bad Points: Extremely irritating. Will emotionally
scar any player under the age of sixteen. Knows no shame.
Will probably serve in the Senate.
5) Das PunMeister (Also known as Stop & Please, I Beg of
You, Kill Him)
Quote: "A killer Tree-man! Woodn't you know. I'd leaf him
alone. Bet his bark is worse than his bite!"
Good Points: A wacky, funny, laugh-a-minute guy.
Bad Points: Will not stop.
4) Monotone Man (Also known as ZZZZzzzzzzzz....)
Quote: "Hi. I'm the King." "Hi. I'm the peasant." "Hi. I'm
the wizard." "Hi. I'm the knight." "Hi. I'm the Dragon."
Good Points: Will never cancel due to laryngitis.
Bad Points: Save vs. Paralyzation or die.
3) The Drunk (Also known as What's That Smell? & Not Again!)
Quote: "H'lo. BLEUUEUERGGHH!!! G'bye..."
Good Points: Vivid descriptions of strange, bizarre
creatures.
Bad Points: Rarely coherent. Will probably die soon.
2) The Insane Plotter (Also known as Machiavelli & Mr.
Myxylplyxx)
Quote: "But the twelfth arbitrary conundrum signifies
nascent ursinoids rising. Any idiot can see that!"
Good Points: Dazzling, intricate plots, sub-plots, and
sub-sub-plots.
Bad Points: Makes you feel really stupid.
AND THE NUMBER ONE MONTY HAUL COUSIN OF THE MONTH IS:
1) The Great Actor Quote: "Alas, poor Baldrick; I knew him
well. 'Twas but the bare bodkin of our discontent that
ravelled his sleeve of care! And now all is lost, forever
lost!" (sobs loudly) Player: "Uhhhhh...does that mean I can
order a drink now, Mr. Innkeeper?"
Good Points: Deep drama, and colorful NPCs.
Bad Points: You may die of embarrassment--and when he's on
a roll, you'll wish that you could.